DANGER, parental failure imminent!

The Portneuf River runs through Lava Hot Springs, ID. It is a popular destination for summer fun-seekers, who rent huge tubes and float down its snow-melt swollen zigs and zags. Several years ago, when my older daughters were little, my family engaged in the above mentioned fun. With life-vest securely in place on my little Melissa (who was five, at the time,) I climbed on a tube, clasped her firmly on my lap, and followed several of my siblings in a splishy-splashy parade. It was great fun! We laughed and splashed and soaked in the sun. After a little ways, we came to a place where the river rushed, quickly, over several large boulders. We had been warned that this area was a tipping hazard, and I tried to maneuver our tube away from the greatest danger. Unfortunately, I failed in the attempt, and we were tipped into the cold water. Despite my efforts, I lost my grip on my child and she floated away from me, down the river. The look in her eyes as the distance between her and the safe arms of her mother steadily increased will always haunt me. I lunged after her, my feet seeming to move in slow motion over the slipery rock bottom, falling frequently and scraping my knees and elbows in my attempt to catch up to her. But it was evident that I couldn't succeed. I feared that she would be lost, carried down the cruel river to certain doom. Suddenly, down stream, my sister (who had been floating a distance ahead of us) reached out and plucked Melissa out of the water and onto her tube. I don't know if I had called out for help, all I know is that when it was needed, the help was there. Melissa was safe.

Last week, because of failure on my part to provide adequate protection, one of my children was badly harmed. I cried and cried and lamented and wished I had done things differently and berated myself for ignoring spiritual promptings that may have prevented the harm. My heart has been heavy with regret and remorse. My child will, at best, experience pain in the healing process, and at worst, face future pain and forever bear scars from the experience. How I wish I could go back in time! But I can't. My sweet, innocent child floated out of my safe arms and into dangerous water.

I am filled with the fearful knowledge that I failed. I know that I'll fail again. I tried, but failed. How can my beloved children possibly make it through this life unscathed with someone so incapable and insufficient mothering them?? On the edges of despair, the realization crept, softly and sweetly, into my heart that there was someone waiting, able and anxious, to pull my child to safety. Though the process of healing hurts, my sweet child won't be forever lost to the effects of harm. They WILL make it through this life, perhaps not unscathed, but still whole and safe.

My child will be okay. My child smiles and laughs and exercises faith. I worry, fret, and try not to doubt. I still regret, but I don't despair. I know, today, that the Atoning Power of my Savior isn't just for my sins. It is also for my pain and sorrow, and, more importantly, for the pain and sorrow of those I love. I know that He will reach out and pull my children, safely, into his arms.

Please share your thoughts about your worry of failing as a parent, your ways of coping, and your victories in the parenting journey in the comments. And if you like what you've read at "The Brainy Broad" please become a follower and share this blog with your friends.

Hugs,
BB





*Note: Please don't ask for details about this experience. I'm not ready to talk about it, yet, and my child desires some privacy regarding it. Maybe in time...